


A win and A loss

by LeDahliaNoir



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Australian Open, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, M/M, Mallorca, Poor Life Choices, Post-Break Up, Victory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-03-10 18:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13507395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeDahliaNoir/pseuds/LeDahliaNoir
Summary: Melbourne has been such a wonderful journey once again for Roger. Another victory after the one from last year, but this one felt even more special. This was his 20th Grand Slam title. A man coming from another planet: an extraterrestrial. After the win, he had to fill his duties. Even though, he could not wait to reach his hotel room because of a special someone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm new in this fandom. This is the first time that I've written about these two. I hope you will enjoy it.  
> Ps: I'm not a Native English speaker but I tried to do my best.
> 
> I'm so happy about Roger's victory today and all the events that happened this week inspired me to write this story. It's such an unusual take but I find it so interesting.
> 
> So stay tuned.
> 
> Your comments would mean the world to me.  
> Thanks. :)
> 
> Pillow Talks by Zayn and Halo by Beyoncé have inspired me.
> 
> I might write a series in the future. Who knows...

_Melbourne has been such a wonderful journey once again for Roger. Another victory, after the one from last year, but this one felt even more special. This was his 20 th Grand Slam title. A man coming from another planet: an extraterrestrial. After the win, he had to fill his duties. Even though, he could not wait to reach his hotel room because of a special someone._

2 am.

“Roger I think you’re done for today”Mirka said. He nodded. The whole day had been exhausting from beginning to end. Eventually, he could get a rest, and do what he liked to do the most: communicating with Rafa.

Once in his hotel room, he released all the tension by sitting on the floor, and contemplating his mobile on the bedside. He was wondering what Rafa could have written as to congratulate him. Just thinking about it, a grin emanated from his face.

_It’s just me and you._

A few minutes later, he walked towards the bed, and grabbed his phone. While dialing the code access, Roger thought about Rafa’s congratulations message.

The stupor took him by surprise. No message made in Rafael Nadal. Why?

Right away, he thought about the jetlag, but it did not make any sense. In Europe, they were just in the middle of the afternoon, therefore it was still daytime. Anyway, he tried to come up with all the possible excuses to understand why Rafa did not write him any message at all.

How come? Did the love of his life forget to do so because of too much excitement?

Anyway, Roger did not want to imagine the worst, but if he had to admit it; the lack of message from his boyfriend did bother him up to his core.

To change his mind, he decided to take a shower.

_We go slow and high tempo._

Perhaps Rafa was trying to find his words or… He could not even think about it anymore. He needed to change his mind within the next second.

*

During shower time, his right hand against the tiles, Roger started to think about the worst case scenario. Was Rafa upset about his win? Or did he have an issue?

The more he thought about, the craziest he became.

_It’s a paradise, it’s a war zone._

What was wrong?

*

Drying his hair with the towel, Roger remembered his message sent to Rafa before going to bed a few days ago. Whenever Rafa had a problem, he was always there during good or bad moments. So why it was not the case for his victory today?

*

The desperation got the best out of Roger.

3 am. Rafa had still not written yet. He could not fathom what was wrong, but he decided to go to bed. Rafa would surely write him tomorrow.

_Baby I can see a halo._

*

4 am.

When Roger finally had managed to close his eyes, his phone woke him up. At first, he did not want to look at it; it could wait tomorrow. Nonetheless, someone sent him a message at 4 in the morning. So unusual. That is why, he decided to see, who it could be.

 _Rafa_. He sighed.

Roger’s face had no expression. He wanted to understand why his beloved had taken so much time to write him. However, the Spanish man did it, and it was what mattered at the end of the day.

_From: Rafa_

_To: Rogelio_

_Hola mi amor! I want to wish you congratulations once again. I try to write in a good English. I know that you understand my funny English but please read my message with serious._

_First of all, congratulations for your 20 th victory. I know how much it important to you. You not the goat for no reason. I’m so proud of you and I been crying the whole day because of you. No, thanks to you. This is how you say in English?_

Roger paused for a moment and smiled. Rafa was definitely the cutest guy ever.

_I hope you’ve enjoyed your evening with your team and relatives. I wish I was there with you but I think it’s much better like that._

Roger frowned at the end of that last sentence. What Rafa meant by “I wish I was there with you but I think it’s much better like that”. Did he think that he would not be welcome into the party? The Swiss guy did not know why he had a bad feeling about what he was about to read next, and his intuition confirmed it.

_I not know how to tell you that but I think we need a break. I think we need to separate._

Roger could not believe what he was currently reading.

_You know I love you so much but I think it’s better if you go your way and I go mine. It’s hard for me to tell you this but we should stop dating._

No. No. No. Roger kept telling himself.

_Don’t get me wrong, I’m so proud of you and your achievement. Everything. But I can’t do this anymore. I just don’t want to be the other guy if you know what I mean. You have a family and a wife. What do I have? Nothing. Yes my family and my friend in Mallorca. It’s not against you Rogi but I want something else that you can’t give me now. I just want you to be happy. That’s my first intention mi amor._

Roger began to cry. He could not believe it. Rafa was breaking up with him. Here was the reason, why he did not write him earlier.

_It hard Rogi to write you all this. I’m even crying right now but I deserve something else. And you too. I will always love you and be the little guy from Mallorca for you._

_And I think it’s not good if we stay friends too. I couldn’t bear to see you all the time. It is killing me, I love you Rogelio but I not want to be a burden._

_Te Amo con todo mi Corazón !_

_Xx_

*

Roger Federer. The Greatest Of All Time had just been dropped by his boyfriend.


	2. Mr. Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Thank you all so much for your nice comments. I decided to keep going with this story. So stay tuned. The road is not going to be easy for Roger and Rafa.

_Next morning._

Life was difficult, wasn’t it? That is the first question Roger tried to answer the morning following his break up with Rafa. Staring at the ceiling, he contemplated everything about this wall from its composition to the colors. That same _wall where almost two weeks ago Rafa slept with_ him and sweet-talked him afterwards. Implying that he could see Roger’s face drawn on it. The teary eyes, Roger tried to remain composed. It was not such a big deal after all. Who was Rafa seriously? There were so many great guys around. So why bothering himself with that _lost love._ Clearing his teary eyes, the tennis player straightened and took his phone. He needed to read once again for his well-being Rafa’s last message. Obviously, he knew how cruel and cynical the situation was, but he could not help doing it. It hurt so well, he guessed.

How come? When did they get into this situation? What did he do?

_Oh god… Why Rafa? Why are you killing me like this? What did I do to you? Please, babe I need answers._

His whole world with Rafa made of sweat and heartache began to collapse right before his eyes. And the worst in this story was the fact that Roger was helpless. In fact, he didn’t have the last word on it. Rafa called all the shots without consulting him at all. What kind of lover was he?

There were fake friends, but fake lovers as well in life. The Swiss had just learned it. It was such a brutal wake-up, for a man planning his retirement with his probable future husband someday.

Rafa was not just a new flame but something sustainable and active in Roger’s life.

Wait a minute!  Wasn’t he the winner of the 2018 edition of the Australian Open?

_Cheers Roger, you should be happy. You’ve just won another Grand Slam. Stop being bitter about someone who doesn’t want you or even care about you. My life shouldn’t be that dramatic but I do think I love the drama actually because it just hurts me so badly._

His mind was all over the place. Making the link upon what he really thought about Rafa started to become complicated.

*

“Take your time Roger.” Mirka said. The Australian Open winner was still trying to wipe out his tears before posing in front of the cameras. It was a tradition to introduce the next day his new trophy. Mandatory was it.

_I’m so sorry for the pain that I might have put you through Rafa. Please forgive me? How pathetic I sound! I’m trying to figure it out about our happiness together but I’m having some doubts now because of you. I thought you were the one but I think I might have found the answer and I know I must cry my heart out because I'm just still in love with you. How sad it is!_

“I know! It’s hard for you. But you have to stay positive. I don’t know why he did that to you? But maybe you should let him explain you” “Explain what?!” He snapped. She stared at him a bit confused.

“Hey! I’m just trying to be nice with you. Ok…” Roger moved towards Mirka and embraced her.” I know. I’m sorry. It’s just that…” “It was unexpected. I know Roger.” And she retrieved herself from the hug and held his face, “Hey Rog! I’m still here after all those years” and she kissed his forehead “I know Mirka and well thank you”. “If he can’t be there for you, when you need him the most. I’d be there for you.  Your days aren’t over champ. Don’t worry about it. Now Rog, it’s time to show who you really are. They’re all waiting for you outside”.

*

That day had been definitely erratic because of all the interviews occurred the last few hours.

Wrapped in his bathrobe, sipping a glass of champagne, Roger decided to stargazing at the sky.

_I thought we were made for each other. I still feel the same about you but I guess we’re not on the same page anymore. It is such a beautiful lie. No, it was actually. Why I’m even speaking as if we were still a couple. But telling me that you don’t even love me any longer Rafa. Who are you trying to convince? Me? Or yourself? Anyway, I won’t leave you alone until we get a proper discussion._

After those thoughts, Roger headed towards his bed and began to see his life pass before him.

_Normally, I should be down on you like right now._

With these words, he dozed off.


	3. Obsessed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, you're making me all happy. I love reading all your comments and it encourages me even more to update faster.  
> So this is the new chapter. I promise we're going to see Rafa's viewpoint pretty soon.   
> Stay tuned. :)

_Almost three weeks later._

Roger was considering to playing in Rotterdam instead of going to Dubai. This choice might have been questionable if and only if someone could understand his current mental state. It was not difficult to figure out that Roger wanted to see blood.

It was just mad love.

_Fine, if that man that I thought was the love of my life doesn’t want me in his life. I’m gonna do what I know the best: play tennis and be the number one. I’m not cynical but in life one has to be ambitious in order to send a message. I don’t need your love in order to succeed in my life. If you ever thought so._

At least, that was what he thought at that time. Did love make him jealous or unrealistic with his priorities?

The occasion was too good to be number one again. Even though before this _future_ achievement, he had to sort out a few things in his private life.

*

_Somewhere in the middle of that same week._

With due time, Roger had become a social media literate. As any fan, he had the habit to scroll through his timeline. Nonetheless this time, he skipped his notifications and went straight to the point: he needed to hear from Rafa for his well-being.

It was a first. The man as known as the G.O.A.T did what any fans would have done: he searched for several fan accounts most precisely the _Rafans_ accounts.

_I know what a shocking statement! But I’m just a human after all. I need to do it for my sanity._

A few minutes later, Roger came across a good Rafael Nadal fan account and scrolled through it. He wanted some blood and he got it right away.

These little vicious delights.

The tennis player looked to the right and to the left to be sure that no one was around. Could you all imagine if someone caught him right in the action? Not a good image.

*

 Rafa was posing with some people, most likely fans. And he did look great as usual. How ironical!  

“So someone else is going to take advantage of this now? He’s still mine anyway” he thought and bit his lower lip...

In the heat wave of possessiveness, Roger wanted to text Rafa, but resorted not to do it in the end. He knew better the Spaniard would not reply.

For almost three weeks now, Roger has not gotten the opportunity to talk to his _ex_ yet _._

Yes, it hurt.

In one of the pictures taken with the fans, there was a peculiar one. That fan was a bit too close to Rafa, invading his personal space. The worst thing of all was his good looks which made Roger felt a little bit insecure.

 _Eye to eye._ The picture screamed this phrase.

They were both smiling blatantly. The happiness of posing with a fan or rather a stan.

The Swiss decided to close his Twitter application. Enough was enough. He could not stand suffering that much.

He sighed.

_Could you just let me love you Rafa, please?_

*

Roger and Mirka agreed on an arrangement since he revealed her his feelings for Rafa more than a year ago. She had not been surprised. She saw that coming. Someone else held Roger’s heart for quite some time and she knew it deep inside. A special someone was responsible for Roger’s sudden change of demeanor.

Yet, the situation changed overnight the night of his 20th Grand Slam victory. She did not know where to put herself between Roger and the kids from now on. Did she hope that they would ever rekindle their _fading romantic love_? Nothing was surer.

The only assurance: Roger needed to get away with his life from time to time. Of course, he was always there for his kids; despite the fact that recently Roger liked to go out during night time. To do what? She had no idea.

Each time, he came back home even more annoyed and depressed with his own life.

*

_Roger meeting a friend._

Meeting up with one of his closest friends, Roger could not help talking about Rafa as usual. About conquering him again. The delusion.

“I think… You should move on Rog” his friend said. Spinning his coffee, he took a deep breath and disagreed with his point. “Why? So it means I don’t have a right to know what’s going on?” he hinted. “That’s not what I mean” “So what do you mean?” Roger furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you on my side or I’d rather say on the side of that cheater?” “Of course, I’m with you man…” “You see? I won’t let him go that easily. I deserve an explanation”.

He raised the tone of his voice.

“I think it’s pretty fair that I deserve to be acknowledged. You know what? I don’t know when and how I’m gonna find a way to talk to him. But the day I’m reaching that goal. I want to hear from the sound of his voice that he is no longer in love with me. Because I just love him to madness. Yes you heard me well! I want that evidence and if he says it. I let him be.”

We both know that you won’t leave him alone Roger, his friend thought.


	4. Hatred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost near the end, there's a quote from two songs that I love so much.
> 
> I hate you I love you by Gnash  
> Hello by Adele
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment! It does matter to me to know what you're thinking about my story :).

“Roger, congratulations. You’re number one again”, the journalist said. “So how does it feel?” Roger smirked. “It feels…well great! Thank you.” “So you’re back on top and now what’s the future hold for you? I mean you’re in the shape of your life and the season is still very long” Roger didn’t know what to reply. His mind was just somewhere else. Perhaps… in a hot Spanish Island named Mallorca.

_“Rafa?”, Roger asked. The Spanish eyed him with his memorable smile. “Si! Rog” “I just wanted to tell you… that…” Somehow the words would not want to come out. So Rafa posed his hand down on Roger’s shoulder and encouraged him to go on. As for Roger, he was just mesmerized by the beauty of his handsome Spanish boyfriend. He just wanted to find his words to mean what he really wanted to say but it was tough._

_Then, Rafa lay down his face on Roger’s shoulder and pecked his neck. The gesture was just too sweet for Roger’s well-being. Seeing that he began to relax a little bit; Rafa kept going and this time he just sat on his lap._

_They were now facing each other. “So Rogi, have you lost your tongue?” The Spaniard teased. Roger couldn’t help grinning. His boyfriend was just way too good for him. In a fiery moment of hesitation, their heads got closer. Who will give in first? Hazel eyes or Amber brown eyes. That was difficult to say._

_Rafa decided to break the mold and placed a chaste kiss on Roger’s lips, accentuating the pace and inciting Roger to give in. Well, the Swiss had better ideas on his mind._

_“Baby, I love you”, Roger emphasized. Rafa just looked at him puzzled. “Rogi! Please stop joking. You don’t have to tell me this. I would love you anyway. I not ask for anything” He was about to kiss him again when Roger stopped him by putting his finger on his lips as to silence him. The Spaniard smirked, “What are you doing? You ruin everything. I was supposed to kiss you”. Roger cracked his neck on both side._

_Rafa raised one of his eyebrows, “Are we in yoga class now?” Roger just came closer to his beloved boyfriend once again, and breathed on his neck “Maybe”, between two small kisses. “Do you wanna know my yoga skills?” Rafa touched Roger’s heart with his left hand and the Swiss noticed the choice of the left hand right away. “I wanna know your heart Rogi, because I love you too”.  A surge of possessiveness seized Roger. He just had to kiss his lover hard, deep and firm. This is what the 36 year-old tennis player needed: Rafa’s love confirmation. He was his and only his. They were linked forever until death could separate them._

Back to earth Roger, Mirka said. The Swiss looked around and wondered what the hell had happened. He was conducting an interview when he started to think about Rafa once again. The poor lad was getting crazier and crazier.

“Rog, you were just dreaming. Tomorrow, you have to play the Semis. Remember. That interview was yesterday.”

The realization of Rafa’s lack of message for his return to the number one spot hit the champion deeply. He received so many congratulation messages from his family, his friends and peers. Basically from everywhere. And what about Rafa? Nothing.

How come?

_I mean I know Raf’ you’re no longer my boyfriend but you’re still my peer. Wishing me the best isn’t that difficult._

Roger couldn’t hide his frustration during that training session before his Semifinal. Committing errors on errors.

*

However, Roger won the match. Exhausted of not receiving anything from Rafa. He got moody as usual.

 Then Mirka ran into him, smiling a bit sheepishly.

“I guess, the one that you love hasn’t forgotten about you”, and she handed him a Facetime conversation with the one and only Rafael Nadal.

Roger was just starstruck. The words were missing to describe such a heartache meeting. He knows he should have definitely been happy but the only thing he wanted to do: yelling at Rafa.

Mirka let him be.

Roger joined his hotel room.

_Calm down. Calm down. Otherwise, you gonna destroy this phone._

On the other end of the line, Rafa began to cry for whatever reason. Roger stared at him for a few seconds without saying anything.

_How can you cry man?! It’s me the one who should do so._

Then, the Spanish guy broke the silence, “Rog…” Unfortunately, he interrupted him. “Don’t. Please… don’t babe. Because between us I don’t think that you’re allowed to talk to me now. Yeah…” Roger tried to hide his upcoming tears but failed big time. “Yeah… For once, you gonna listen to me.”

“Rog… I just want t…” He interrupted him again. “You see? You never listen to me. But for once, you gonna do that for my sake.” Rafa had never heard such an authoritative stance coming from Roger. The younger man looked a bit terrified.

“So… Rafi! How are you? Fine, I hope. Of course, have you wondered one single time how I was doing on my side?” The older man raised his voice, threatening to outburst with his red eyes. “Of course, not! Too busy to enjoy your time. Don’t you worry _baby_ , I know you’re still injured. And I’ve been wondering for GOD SAKE Rafa how were you doing! But you never replied. You’ve been acting like I didn’t exist and look at me now and don’t be a coward. Just look at me for god sake. I know it’s facetime but I’m watching you anyway whether you cry or you smile. Whatever suits you the best? I just don’t give a damn. Because you did the same. How childish I am! You bet.” Roger couldn’t take anymore. He cried out.

“I hate you Rafa!” Rafa’s face just broke down. “No! Rogi! Stop please. Don’t say that” He begged him. “Yes I hate that I love you so much. But you don’t care and you never did. You should have told me that I wasn’t made for you, that I didn’t matter to you. I know that I’m still married but still…” Roger just got a total breakdown. It was too much to bear. Too many things had happened between his victory in Australia and now his tournament in Rotterdam. It was so easy for Rafa to come back just like that. As for his boyfriend, he was not the type to bend over just because his lover finally managed to reply.  “I love you Roger…” Rafa added.

And he instantly stopped crying. What did just Rafa say?

They were in such a terrible situation right now. Roger decided to close his eyes. Even though, the tears threatened to come out. Rafa still loved him and forever. Roger had never cried before him. It was a first. Tears just flowed down. The definition of cry me a river. Roger’s face turned to scarlet. The anger, the loneliness and waiting had made him cutesy at best.

A few seconds later when he opened his eyes once again, Rafa cried on his side as well. In fact, they were both crying together. It was sad but beautiful at the same time.

Love was stronger than everything.

_I hate you I love you. I hate that I love you._

The Australian champion bit his lip. He wanted to stop all the cries. It was just unnecessary now.

They were now staring into each other eyes. The passion was still alive. They could both feel it.

_When we were younger and free._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! :)   
> This is a new chapter. I think this is the best one that i have written so far because it explores Roger and Rafa's relationship. Let me know what you think!   
> And thank you once again for all the support.

Loving someone was one of the most complicated endeavors that any human being had to face in their life at a certain life’s stage. Roger was experiencing it the hard way. He might have told Rafa that he hated him, but it was very far from the truth. Roger was still in love with him; he just could not put an end to it rightfully so. Rafa hurt him so much but his love was stronger than Rafa’s cowardice.

After their facetime, Roger just tried to remain focused. He had to play a finale the following day, which he won obviously.

His week had been fruitful in every possible case, but still Rafa’s presence was missing in his life.

An anxious situation that the Australian Open champion had some trouble to cope with for a few weeks now.

*

It hurt simple and plain. His marital status had definitely been the cause of their fallout. Roger knew it and wanted desperately to break free but it was easier said than done. It has been a while since he tied the knot with Mirka, his current wife. Together, they got four amazing children. They were Roger’s proudest achievement to date. Nonetheless, something was definitely not okay in his life: Rafa.

*

They first met in Miami in 2004 and the least to say had been Roger’s curiosity about that young man. Who was that guy? His name was Rafael Nadal and came from Mallorca in Spain. He was just seventeen year-old and was promised to a bright future. At that time, the craziest thing was the fact that Roger was the number one. And a guy coming out of nowhere beat him in such a wonderful way.

And the young man became the King of Clay a few years later in his career.

Nobody knew that this first meeting will lead to one of the greatest love stories of all time. Did they fall in love right away? Not at all.

Roger did everything to avoid Rafa at first. He barely acknowledged him, along with their rivalry. In those old days, Roger did not know how much he was hurting the young Spaniard. The latter had such a big crush on the Swiss legend but kept it to himself for so many years until that _key day_ in 2016.

Whenever he was asked a question about Roger during his younger years, he had the most wonderful smile ever. Rafa was definitely a joy to be around for all those who knew him. By talking about him in the press, Rafa hoped Roger would pay a little bit attention to him. Becoming friends would have been a little bit too pretentious but the young man had still some hope. Unfortunately, Roger never returned his feelings until about more than one year ago. With due time, he had realized how difficult it must have been for Rafa to be injured every single time and to get back to competition each time. Therefore, Rafa deserved everything for his incredible work and courage.

 What a tremendous champion, Roger liked to think sometimes.

The years passed between them and Roger took some time to appreciate the special relationship that he had with his _baby_. And eventually, the day arrived when he realized that he began to fall little by little for the Spanish. It was not obvious to Roger at first. But whenever someone talked to him about Rafa, his heart raced up through his body. This unexplainable feeling occupied his mind from the moment he realized his love for Rafa.

The man was definitely in love. The only thing needed? Gathering some courage in order to express his love for Rafael. It was not an easy task because he knew how much his attitude had hurt the young Spanish guy back in the day. Still, Roger wanted to make amend. And the dreamy occasion of Rafa’s inauguration day for his Academy arrived in due time to complete the mission.

Something had happened that day and Roger would cherished forever those lasting memories.

*

“I hate you Rafa”, Roger’s words still resonated through his mind. The crude words of his ex-lover just turned out to be unbearable. He would have never expected such a rude reaction. Of course, he knew that Roger would not take it kindly but still, this sudden violence from Roger had been shocking to Rafa’s ears.

Why did he do it though? Why did Rafa do that in the first place?

He had his own unspeakable reasons.

Certainly, Rafa still felt so much love for Roger. Actually, he knew for sure that he would never love again someone else the way he loved him. But he had hoped to keep a normal relationship with the older man.

Roger’s words completely crushed him up to his heart. He cried the whole Saturday night. Nobody could comfort him; he cried because of Roger Federer. The love of his life. It did hurt. He had the impression of having the heart broken into pieces. He knew that those were not just simple words from Roger. Yet, Roger hated him. The damage has been done. Anyway, after what he did, Rafael should not be that shocked at all.

The night of his Academy’s inauguration, Roger and Rafa kissed each other. He had been waiting for so many years to experience it. By the way, the Swiss was definitely the kisser in their relationship while Rafa was the hug lover. Roger mastered perfectly the art of the French kiss, adding a little bit of tongue from time to time and with all the proximity that such a kiss could bring two people together. God… Rafa loved his _man_ or rather his ex-boyfriend now.

*

The next day, Rafa watched Roger’s match and his _man_ won the tournament. His pride would have been visible to any viewer present in the arena.

Even though, they were no longer together. A congratulation message was in order.

_Congratulations Roger! You deserve it. And I know you hate me but never forget that I still love you. xx_

That day, Rafa waited for a reply. He should have known better. The Swiss must have been busy the whole day. And the congratulation messages might have rightfully come along.

*

That same day, Roger reached his hotel room around 11 pm. The day had been way too long for his well-being. The first thing that he always did: checking his phone. How surprising to see Rafa’s message!

Why a congratulation message? They were not together anymore. After what he had told Rafa yesterday, Roger did not expect anything from Rafa.

So when he read it, this was just the end of the world.

Rafa still loved him, and it was the same from his side after all the tears.


	6. Under my umbrella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back :). I have to admit that I've struggled to write this new chapter because I did not have any inspiration left in my brain. It was totally blank but I've managed to produce something and I get a better idea where this story is going to now. 
> 
> Thank you for your kudos and comments! :)  
> I really appreciate them.

A steamy sunny day was making his way through the desert of Indian Wells.

Under his umbrella, Roger contemplated the paradisiac landscape that faced him. It was in one of those moments where he felt definitely lucky to be a tennis player: travelling all over the world. February ended in such a good note. And what about March?

Rekindling a romance or winning more trophies?

He did not really know what he wanted the most. Perhaps he just wanted everything at the same time. Let us remind him something. Having both ways was unusual in real life.

The Sunshine Double has always been one of his favorite parts of the season. After the desert, the heat wave of Miami always reminded him _his_ Rafa. And there were so many reasons thinking of Rafa such as the return of _their_ rivalry one year ago. That tremendous rivalry that put them in the pantheon of the best tennis players ever through the years.

And the most beautiful things were not Roger’s victories but the way he celebrated his return to the highest level possible with Rafa. After that Miami match, Roger managed to corner his boyfriend and pecked his lips hiding from everybody.

At the end of the day, it has always been about hiding from everybody and Roger knew that Rafa could not take it any longer. They have been doing it for years. So when will it stop?

Rafa looked reserved but not mad about his loss but he did not reciprocate that kiss this time.

If something has always been true about their couple, it was their differentiation about being rivals and lovers. Sometimes, it put some tension in their relationship because losing against your biggest rival was never easy. Somehow, Roger and Rafa had been through a lot and it could not mean anything. Except this time, it did matter to Rafa.

*

Roger was drinking some water after one of his training sessions with his coach when he heard some notifications.

An Instagram post.

Naturally, he did not waste his time and checked it out like everybody.

He wish he had not done it. Rafa posted a new picture with some random guy and a lady in Manacor. She was older and the man looked in his mid-20. Who was even that guy?

With time Roger tried to calm down his fits of jealousy but it was from time to time stronger than him. He was just mad. Mad at Rafa for making him feel unworthy of his love.

Under his umbrella, the greatest player of all time was jealous. So unrealistic.

How dare he?

This picture should not mean anything but it did; meaning the current context.

Since his win in Rotterdam, they had not been talking to each other. Neither Rafa tried to do so, nor Roger as well. It was much better to take some time off from each other once in a while.

Now on a hot sunny day, Roger began to think of Rafa. What was he doing? Did he recover well? What did he eat today?

He wondered so many things about Rafa. They have been growing apart for the last two months but he still cared about the Spaniard somehow.

Why? Surely not because he was still in love with him; the real reason was because he did not agree on Rafa’s terms. He decided to break up everything on his own. As much as there was life, there was hope technically.

Nonetheless, he did not have the answer to that question yet. Why Rafa did break up everything? On what purpose?

Of course, he knew he was still married but they promised to each other something for the future.

_Flashback_

“Rafa, come here!” Roger insisted. Rafa was still playing Candy Crush on his phone when he made that request. How cliché it was!

“Rafa please! I wanna talk to you about something the utmost importance baby” He knew Rafa pretty well. That baby talk always did wonders to Rafa’s ears. Then the younger man put down his phone and headed towards Roger.

The older man embraced him and just breathe into Rafa’s scent. The sun was always surrounding the Spaniard anyway.

After a few seconds, he cupped Rafa’s chin and stared at him on purpose.

“Hey! Do you remember that talk about promising to each other that we’re gonna have a fucking great life when we retire?” This was not one of Rafa’s favourite topics at all. He tried to escape Roger’s eyes and disentangled himself from the embrace.

Pacing back and forth, Rafa had the impression to think about all the times where they could have been something publicly.

Roger just did not want to risk everything.

At the end of the day, it was always about risking everything for Roger as if Rafa did not have a life on his own.

Roger kept looking at him without saying anything. He acknowledged the fact that Rafa might need more time to integrate everything.

2 more years… 2 more other years…

*

“Are you ok Rog?” Mirka asked.

Yes. That was it. Roger has just understood why Rafa ended everything. A break up has never been a one-sided situation finally.


	7. The end of the illusive game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess my inspiration is back. This is a second chapter in a row. :)

“Why I want to cry so much? Why? Don’t you have the answer? Why is he making me feel so unworthy of his love?”

*

Today was the Indian Wells finale – Federer versus Del Potro – the Swiss has been on a roll since his victory in Melbourne. Who could prevent him from achieving another holy grail?

If there was one player who could beat him, it was the Argentine – Juan Martin Del Potro. His game had everything in order to rival with Roger’s one. And he knew that so well.

But let’s just focus. During the finale, Mirka could see how Roger was unfocused. It was as if he thought about something else at the same time: his match and maybe an issue.

A clue alerted her when she had a glimpse of Roger shedding a tear before leaving one of the tennis court sessions earlier. He pretended that it was just the _sweat_ that melted his face but she knew better.

An event occurred in his life before the match.

She knew how Roger would not want to talk about it so she just played down for the moment.

*

Roger was about to win that match but he did not make it at the end. His loss could have been easily avoided but somehow the Swiss was not feeling it that day. He looked worn-out from his last few weeks at the top level.

He just assured Mirka that he needed some vacation now. That was it. Nothing to write home about. She still did not believe him but she had to settle down with what lies Rog – as she called him all the time – wanted to tell her.

“Ok! So let’s just have a nice afternoon with the kids” she said. And he just nodded without any vigor in his attitude.

Something was definitely wrong.

*

One of the kids asked their dad if he was ok. Roger looked miserable and could not help frowning.

“Stop frowning Rog you gonna have early wrinkles!”.

“And if that’s what I want!” he replied cockily. She maintained her eye contact with her _husband_ for a while. “I just wanted to cheer you up. I know you wanted to win tod…” He simply cut her off.

“And I know that you don’t know anything about my life Mirka.  So please stop!” he replied in front of the children. And visibly she did not expect it so she pretended as if it did not mean anything.

When Roger got up, he apologized.

*

Once in retreat in his bedroom, he took his phone out and looked again at one of Rafa’s new Insta posts.

What the hell was he doing?

Normally, Roger would have thought that those guys were just Rafa’s friends. And it was true. Most of them in the picture. But there was _that guy_ that he could not put a name on it. What has he been doing lately on every Rafa’s pictures?

And why now? Timing was everything.

Was it Rafa’s way of punishing him? Because he wanted to make amends when he was in Rotterdam but did not get the opportunity?

Roger did not know how to think any longer. Rafa was just being so immature. Speechless.

There was a 5-year age gap between them but strangely this was now where it mattered. Rafa was just playing with his feelings and Roger had enough.

So he naturally dialed Rafa’s number that he knew by heart so well and confronted him.

*

When Rafa picked up the phone, Roger said firstly “Why? Why?”.

Rafa was just out of words. He did not expect any calls from Roger so he needed to back up his recent behavior.

“Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why did I do to you?” and he sobbed. He could not hold it any longer. He just wanted to know why. Rafa – his boyfriend – has been hurting him way too much recently.

“Is it because I’m that old? Why are you making me feel bad about myself? Answer Me!” he snapped and cried out on the last two words.

As for Rafa, this situation was just unexpected. Obviously, he could not come out with any explanation. It was just natural to him to post a few pictures. It did not mean anything. But if he could admit it, he knew about their importance.

Roger has always been dangerously jealous. He should have known better. Playing with the Swiss’ feelings would not end well.  And when someone was also dangerously in love, it had only one possible outcome: a bomb with a ticking countdown.

Stay tuned.


	8. I did it for love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your kudos and feeback. This fanfiction is almost reaching its end. Thank you again to have followed it so far. :)

_Roger has always been dangerously jealous. He should have known better. Playing with the Swiss’ feelings would not end well.  And when someone was also dangerously in love, it had only one possible outcome: a bomb with a ticking countdown._

Goodbye Indian Wells and now Miami.

Roger decided to scroll his social media platform while drinking a hot chocolate. After his defeat in Miami, he realized something about his mental state: he was just tired of fighting over and all over again. He was done. Pretending had been put on the back of his mind. The man was changed by the whole situation coming from his private life. Thanks to Rafael Nadal.

Mirka has been right from the get-go. He needed to take some holidays and think about something else; but he needed to do something before everything else. Deleting Rafael Nadal from his life.

It has been weird to mention Rafa as Rafael Nadal. This was his nickname but by doing this he put some distance between them. This was what the Spaniard had finally managed to get. Roger could not help praising Rafa’s effort to push him away and he did it. He was extracting himself from their life together.

Thank you once again, Roger thought.

Rafa has been hurting him way too much. At first, he wanted to give it a second try and let him talk about _his decision_. But as much as someone could apologize, if the other one was not receptive. Just give in. And that was exactly what Roger did. In order to forget about Rafael, he thought about deleting him from all his social media platform starting with Twitter.

It has not been easy for Roger to do so because he was still in love with him. Somehow, this was just the right thing to do. Rafael was not the only guy in the world. He would find love again with someone that will make him feel good about himself.

There was one thing about making someone jealous but implying that someone was just unworthy of his love was the highlight. Roger could not stand it. He was already 36. Childish game play had no room in his life whatsoever. Besides, he was a family man. He had already enough in his plate to deal with everyday than submitting himself to Rafael’s game.

He knew for sure that Rafael was still relatively young compared to him. He was 31 soon-to-be 32 in the near future and well his generation was more towards 20-something people.

And Roger could not blame him. By his side, the Swiss felt young once again, rejuvenated because 5 years was a small age gap but it did matter.

Rafael used to have the habit to initiate Roger to something new once in a while and he did appreciate all his efforts. It was true that sometimes Roger did not want to try because he considered this was not appropriate for _his age_ , but still Rafael was like the sun. So he would always try.

Nowadays, things had pretty much changed between them. How could he believe that he was about to delete Rafael from his life?

*

Once in his Twitter page, he was looking for Rafael’s Twitter account eventually. When he had found it, he stopped suddenly.

It hurt and it hurt so badly to do this. He was used to follow him but now he was about to delete him forever. If that was what made him more comfortable with his own life, then do it.

When he reached his Twitter page, he watched one last time his ex-boyfriend and clicked on the following section that presented itself.

“Are you sure to unfollow?”

Roger was not sure but for his sanity he chose to do so. That was it. Roger was no longer following Rafael Nadal.

Then, he did the same on Instagram. At least, he would not receive any notification about “Rafa has just posted a picture”.

*

Love stoned.

*

“What happened Rafa that day” asked Mark. “Please, tell me. I’m your friend, right?”

Rafa just broke. Mark watched him with sad eyes. He knew how badly his friend felt guilty about the whole event.

“So this is why you broke up with Roger?” Rafa just nodded.

“Mark… I just did it for love “Rafa added and closed the conversation.


	9. Rafa’s past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my gift for you. I'll be on hiatus for several weeks. See you very soon :).

“Baby it’s alright. Baby it’s ok.”

This was one of Roger’s text messages sent that infamous day. What happened was the biggest question? What did Rafa do?

It was still a mystery that needed to be solved.

It went back from his teenage years. Even when he was supposedly with Xisca, he had always felt this intense hidden attraction towards _this man_.

It was the same dude that has been in every one of his recent pictures. When they were teenagers, they had tentatively tried to date but it was unsuccessful because of pressure and society.

Xisca was the one for Rafa so he needed to do everything to keep her. They were meant to be.

Rafa had a life before Roger. Naturally, he felt in love with that man. It had not been a love at first sight but everything started with a friendship. Then, the friendship turned into something else.

During this love tenure, the intense and deep connection that they had for each other lasted until Rafa had to go abroad. As mentioned previously, Rafa decided to break up everything when he was 17 and that man was aged 15 at that time. It was before that famous Miami encounter against Roger.

Fernando had been crushed by the whole break up.

For several years, he did not want to talk to Rafa. He hurt him way too much. Rafa had hoped to stay friend with Nano. This was his nickname. Nano just broke all possible communication between them. After that break up, Ferni or Nano decided to go back to Andalucía. Actually, his mother was originally from the South of Spain. He asked for her permission if he could still pursue his education outside Manacor. And when she said yes, he ran away from everything reminding him of Rafaelito.

He barely called him Rafa or whatever. Rafaelito was the way Nano used to call him.

When Rafa had learned the news, he was devastated. Besides, breaking up with him, his ~~ex~~ -lover decided to make him payback for that by punishing him. That was the end of their friendship. Nano used to be Rafa’s best friend as well which complicated even more the situation. And it just translated into his mental state: he did not cope well with his _best friend_ departure.

Nano was just two years younger than Rafa. He liked to remind him this simple fact from time to time because he loved to take care of him. Before being Roger’s baby, Rafa had his own baby.

That was something to write in history books.

Their love had been a passionate rollercoaster from day one. It had started as a summer love but it ended in an awful way. Rafa knew about his full responsibility. If he was not dating Nano today, it was because of his decision. At that time, Nano did not really care about the consequences.

Their youth was just speaking for themselves, that was it. Rafa knew better how society could be judgmental with unordinary people. He just did not want them to be targeted as different. He could not stand to see his Nano suffering because of people’s attacks or whatever. Thank god, society has evolved since.

Since that day of February 2004, they had not been in touch until Rafa reached 25. Nano contacted him again. Then, they have become friends again and Rafa appreciated this. Truth to be told, they have always been easily pals. It was the kind of friendship where one could feel a real connection and a deep one with their friend.

Roger had never known this part of Rafa’s life. This was just part of his privacy. He did not need to know every single thing about Rafa either.

But something happened last year between Nano and Rafa against Rafa’s will unfortunately. He could not change what happened though.

*

“You met me before Roger, don’t you remember? I was before him in your heart” Nano said. Rafa sighed. He did not know how to handle Nano’s constant reminders about his position over Roger.

“Si, I know” “Then, so what? Why are you avoiding me?” Nano insisted. “I’m not avoiding you but I haven’t even told Roger the real reason about our break up” Rafa emphasized.

“But he doesn’t have to know!” Si! He does have to know because I still love him” and with just one single sentence Nano’s heart shattered into pieces.

“I still love him but I have never stopped loving you at the same time”

Nano sketched his eyebrows, “Qué Rafa? You can’t love both people at the same time”. Rafa paid attention to that “Rafa term” that Nano would never use except when he was angry. “Si! Unfortunately. I wish it was easier for me but it’s not. Because I still love you as well Nano. When I broke up with you in 2004 it was because of society and all the pressure that came along. I didn’t want to do this” Rafa explained.

“So, you mean that if it wasn’t about society’s pressure, we’d have been still together Rafa?!” Nano shed a tear and was standing bewildered by the news.

Rafa brushed off his hair behind and nodded.

“I can’t believe that you did that to me Rafa! You were my everything but because of you I left Manacor to go back to Granada. You left me on my own Rafa. You gave up on us!” He insisted on the last two words.

 _On us_. Yes, it was exact. Rafa gave up on their love.

“I know Nano and I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. Just forgive me, will you? The only thing that I can tell you if it will ever help you. There are some things that you need to accept in life. Life’s just a bitch and you know way better than me since that accident you got and you didn’t even tell me for god sake!” Rafa scolded him. He was just mad at Nano’s attitude. He could have died without even telling Rafa about his real condition.

Nano lowered down his eyes. “I know Rafaelito. I’m sorry but I didn’t want you to see me in that state. You know what I’m talking about.” And Rafa looked at that kind of _broken_ part of Nano’s body.

To change the subject, he deviated towards Roger’s question.

“And what about the Swiss?” Nano asked bitterly, crossing his arms.

“It’s Roger, Nano. A little bit of respect please.”

“Whatever! You need to solve this situation.” “I know!”.

*

Nano and Rafa laid down on the bed side by side. They were just looking at each other like a few years ago.

“What are you thinking of?” Nano asked. “I’m thinking of you. That’s it.”

_Baby it’s alright. Baby it’s ok._

Nano smiled like in old good times. He cherished those moments because he did not know what will happen next once Rafa would have made up his mind.

“I remember that long walk together. I wanted so badly to hold your hand but we couldn’t” Nano said melancholically. “I do remember. I wanted to do the same but it wasn’t possible.”

“Do you wish if I were a woman sometimes? Things would have been much easier, don’t you think?” Nano wondered.

Rafa held Nano’s chin. “I don’t wish anything. I still love you the way you are. And as a matter of fact, you’re a man and should be proud of this”.

After that small talk, they both closed their eyes and slept in.


	10. Nano and the Four elements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is Rafa's birthday. So cheers to drink :).

Nano was everything that Roger was not as a matter of fact. First of all, he was Spanish and was not involved into any professional sport activity like Roger. And the icing on the cake: he has been knowing Rafa since his teenage years before his ex-boyfriend.

During his spare time, Nano enjoyed swimming and was definitely good at it. No wonder why Rafa felt for this brown-haired and hazel-eyed man. Water was his second love after Rafa. That was the breaking point why Rafa fancied him in the first place. They were both in love with everything related to water. Besides, Rafa loved fishing so everything was in place to be coordinated in every aspect of their life.

Even though, love stoned happened unfortunately because of Rafa’s professional obligations and society’s reaction but this was not the real _story_ actually.

Water, earth, fire and wind.

The four elements that ran the world could also explain their heartbroken love story. Yes, indeed it was. Rafa did not like to wander about it. It has been too hurtful until now. Eventually, he made peace with himself but Nano would not let it go just because of Roger Federer.

All those four elements had their space in the life of every individual up to some degree. As for Nano, they all had a deeper meaning. Life had not been easy and sometimes he got the feeling to be punished for what he did in the past to Rafa.

Before they broke up, Nano took Rafa for granted…

*

Rafa was born on June, the 3rd. So he was a Gemini. Geminis’ element was the air. Let us not forget Rafa’s favorite surface: clay. Nano loved to say that Rafa was between two rocks: air and earth at the same time.

Earth represented the solid element that one could touch and which had a consistency, a weight and a fixed form.

Air was the gaseous element. It is light and sensitive to movement. It can be compressed until it becomes liquid.

Nano was born in the beginning of April. Welcome Aries!

He was the flamboyant type of guy. Always passionate and having a say about everything but he loved water so much. Consequently, he was a mix of fire and water. The craziest mix ever.

The element of Water was often in motion like Fire. These are the two most moving elements in the world. That explained why they both had the tendency to invade their respective private life at a point where as mentioned recently Nano _betrayed_ Rafa before his US tour in 2004.

The biggest flaw of the tennis player was his kindness. This was the first time that Rafa reacted badly as well. Nano did not recognize him really that day. He thought that they could make amend but that was not knowing Rafa pretty well.

The nerve. The audacity.

In life, people always had to be careful with water. Under its ephemeral and transparent presence water nourished life but could also become a force of nature that took it back.  And that was what Nano did to Rafa after their break up. He took everything back from Rafa even his heart, and for several years Rafa could not turn the page despite Xisca’s support.

Water was associated with emotions and the subconscious. Nano just ate Rafa’s conscience and his feelings by cutting off every contact possible until his 25th birthday.

He was not proud of this achievement but he wanted to punish Rafa so much that he even punished himself by having that accident a few years later.

*

The fire was active like Nano, it had a heat that it could communicate in its immediate environment, and it transformed the matter to its contact which could become liquid, gaseous or fire in turn. After all, Nano was an aries.

Their love for each other had been intoxicating from day one. Rafa’s friends even wondered if it was such a good thing. Being in love at that age was totally acceptable but depending on each other’s love so much could turn into a dangerous circus.

Through his tennis career, life has been quite complicated for Rafa. The tennis legend has been winning a lot of trophies but experienced countless heartaches starting with his injuries and the lack of Nano’s presence in his life.

The element of Earth could deliver the lowest emotions like fear, terror, depression; all the desires and feelings that bind us to the physical world and its density like coldness, selfishness, unhealthy sensuality, the exacerbated envy of material possessions.

Rafa was not a selfish person indeed but the lack of Nano was materialized by an unhealthy sensuality with Roger. He could not even explain it. Why this obsession with getting some love from Roger?

The facts were there to layer Roger’s attitude towards Rafa in the first place.

Things should be said about it. He did not really consider Rafa as his equal in the first place. Let us not talk about as a romantic love interest. When he realized that Rafa was more than a thick brute hitting the ball nonstop so strong that each of his opponent could have had a broken arm in the end of the match, he simply changed his mind.

But Rafa did not make things easier for the Swiss. Nano must have given him the habit of being betrayed and humiliated. That was why he did not want to experience it in anyway.

He has had already suffered enough.

This could be the explanation about Rafa’s emotion display or rather the lack of emotion in public.

The element of Air contained more detached feelings with emotions of freedom, fluidity, transparency and lightness.

Air and fire together made for a very powerful, logical couple. That was the definition of Rafa and Nano relationship.

They both had a second element which were earth (Rafa) and water (Nano).

Earth and water led automatically to something very sensual and moody.

There was no surprise here, Rafa and Nano’s relationship has always been moody in every sense of the term. I love you. Neither do I. Leave me alone. Please come back. What are you doing? I love you. I don’t love you. Go away. Please comeback.

A Shakespearian play.

And there was a new sequence in this phase, Rafa needed finally to choose his future partner for good. What if it was somebody else? At the end of the day, Roger and Nano were not the only one on this earth. It was true that Rafa has been thinking about it several times. Assessing every possibility.

Earth and Water were easily converging towards the sensual, the exotic, and the new without any of the distancing possible from the light elements.

_While earth does mitigate some of water's tendencies towards mutability, this combination is still somewhat unpredictable, particularly if water edges out earth as the dominant force._

Rafa knew that Nano was the logical one in their relationship. Behind closed doors, he tended to be more emotional. Never in public. It might be linked to Nano’s job. When one is good with numbers, the person is just more logical in every aspect of his life. Not letting any room for misery or being hesitant.

Speaking of which, Rafa liked to say that everything was always easier with Nano because they could both speak Spanish and communicate in a better way whereas it was another story with Roger. It was true through the years, he has been improving his English but still, he would rather speak Spanish over English. No news.

Nano was able to speak English fluently through his professional life. He has moved to London because of the job he got in finance in The City. He was a business analyst for a US bank based in London.

When he was 15 at that time, he did not really know what he would do for a living but he knew that he was good with numbers. Generally, whenever they went to eat out, Nano had the habit to make the calculation through his mind. It was just natural to him. Even though, they would get the bill in the end. Nano was just the definition of being extra which made Rafa smiled everytime.

Rafa loved this difference, him being a professional tennis player and Nano a financial analyst. They were so opposite in terms of interests as well. Nano liked to go to the movies. Being a huge fan of David Fincher helped anyway to enjoy his passion. Of course, he did enjoy football but not as much as Rafa. This was not his cup of tea. If he could avoid it, he will escape it willingly. He was just more into tennis. That might have been that fact that had attracted him to Rafa in the first place.

He remembered someday when Rafa tried to teach him the basics of tennis. It was a total chaos but with time he did improve his tennis skills. And his friends were always keen on meaning that his boyfriend was a professional tennis player. No wonder why.

Now, he was even able to have a training session with Rafa and the crew. Not at the same intensity and rate but still, he has improved since the first time he taught him how to serve.

Today, they were respectively 29 and 31 and they had found each other again which was indeed beautiful for Nano’s family. Mostly his mother who got into a bit of a mess with Rafa.

Life was just an understandable cycle that needed to foster its own truth.

*

_A few days later_

Roger had noticed these past few weeks the presence of _Nano_ through some of Rafa’s pictures. It was true that he did unfollow him but he could not help trying to get some news. It was easy. Just go check out Rafa’s fan accounts.

He wondered why _this unknown_ was sometimes among Rafa’s team. Did not this man have a regular job at all? Otherwise, why he was always present besides Rafa?

The truth was laid on Nano time off from work.

He did not really wonder if Rafa and him were back together but he hoped so. At least, Rafa did not show any signs of not having him around his team. So yeah he did attend Rafa’s game during the Master of Monte Carlo and Barcelona following his victory in _Le Roché_.

Soon he would be back to London living his life as “a Londoner”.  He could not deny that it was a breath of fresh air out of work. Life could be tense from time to time in the _City_. So being in Spain once again with Rafa was the right thing to do for his well-being.

That was what he thought…


	11. Baby is back!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rafa won!!!! 11th title in Roland. It's unreal :) ♥.

_Paris_

The end of the clay season was about to reach an end pretty soon. This was Rafa’s favorite part of the season. His Roland Garros title was once again at stake. He aimed at winning another title there.

So far so good his clay season was pretty decent. That misstep in Madrid was nothing on his road to be crowned once again in Paris. Dominic Thiem showed that he was able to beat Rafa and had all the ammunitions to beat the Spanish.

This was not any title but Roland Garros. Beating Rafa in his arena was a hardly impossible task to accomplish and a lot of players have known it through the years.

Rafa thought that Dominic will play his cards at 100%. If he could bet on Dominic, he will see him in the finale.

The Philippe Chatrier Court was where he has lived one of the greatest moments of his career. That tournament did matter.

Everybody in Spain was waiting for La Undécima. If Real Madrid – his favorite football team -did it, why not Rafa?

*

Since Nano’s return to London, Rafa had the time to think through his feelings about what he really wished in his life besides winning another title in Paris.

He came to a conclusion the past few days: he wanted Roger Federer back in his life. He made up his mind. How could he ever have thought that Nano would be the one?!

Sure, he was his first love but the first one did not mean the last one necessarily.

He has weighted the pros and cons. And there was only one that made his heartbeat going crazy: Roger’s love.

Technically speaking, he had more in common with Nano but Roger just made him happier and their shared the same values.

Roger liked different things in his life but this should not be an obstacle.

Rafa was not forced to like the cold or snowing in the mountains.

The most important thing should be Roger’s love. Roger was more than a lover but _his whole life_.

He knew he has been a coward so far by not explaining why he did break up with the Swiss.

He did not deserve such a lack of respect. He made him feel so unworthy of everything. Roger should have spent a few days in Paris just to see Rafa. Guess what? Because of their break up it was impossible now.

As for Nano, Rafa took a little bit his distance. He would tell him in due time that they should strictly stay friends. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Rafa needed some space. Ok, he was nice and charming and shared a lot of things together but this was not really what he wanted in his life.

Roger was his go-to addiction.

After Roland Garros, he will notify both of them about what he wanted to do next.

*

_Dubai_

To the great displeasure of so many fans, Roger was not going to play in Roland Garros once again. He made up his mind recently. He wanted to preserve his health. People did forget that he was 36 and could not hold onto his physique during the whole calendar like he used to do.

Since his loss in Miami, Roger had some time to take care and visited Zambia for his foundation. That experience made him think deeply about where he was currently at in his life. Was he happy? Or how could he be happy eventually?

Meeting so many new people in that small African country opened him his eyes. He has tried to deny for so long his feelings for Rafa but they were still there. Roger was still in love with Rafa and forever. He could not turn the page. He has never wished that things would go south but he was ready to make amend with Rafa. At least, as a friend.

From Roger:

To Rafa:

Good luck Rafa! I have no doubt that you’re gonna win an 11th title in Roland.

Xx

*

When Rafa woke up from his nap, the first thing that he did was to check his phone and the big surprise before he unlocked his phone: Roger sent him a message.

He did not expect it. That was the least to say. After everything that had happened between them, Roger took on his pride and messaged him.

Rafa felt relieved. Roger wished him good luck for the most important tournament of his career.

The man did care and was definitely a keeper. Too bad! Rafa has just realized it until recently. Every clue was right before his eyes. He should have known better. When Roger wanted desperately to have some real explanations to what Rafa was up to, it was definitely the sign of a real commitment.

That man was too good for him. Rafa was not a mean person, not at all.

One of the real reasons about the break up was rather stupid. A few months ago, Roger told him that after his career he would like to come out and live his love with Rafa publicly.

The biggest problem was the fact that in two years, Rafa would turn 34 and Roger 39. Rafa would surely be very far from retiring. Hence, he got the impression to be played by his lover. Adding to the drama, he was also skeptical about Roger’s real intentions to take the risk of coming out.

Rafa was wrong from day one. He just made a false assumption: Roger would never come out because let us be honest he had _that perfect image_ that he needed to maintain with the media.

So he decided to break up unilaterally. It was much better like that. They will not both suffer. It was for their best interest, he thought at the time.

Except, he did not expect that Roger would actually be serious about coming out for real but it was already too late. Rafa went too far and needed to keep going with his life or possibly with Nano.

This was just one little part of the real reason of their break up. Of course, there were many other things to mention. At least, Rafa was honest with himself for once and admitted his fear of being left behind.

*

From Rafa:

To Rogi:

Gracias. It makes me happy. I miss you so much and I want to see you if it’s okay.

Xx

*

After another training session, Roger took a shower immediately and wondered what Rafa could be currently doing. He did not even think that the younger man would ever reply his message.

After that coldish shower, he wrapped under his waist a towel and spread his body over the bed and grabbed his phone. He had a few stuff to check but the first thing on the screen was rather surprising.

His Rafa messaged him. How was it possible?

*

_Two hours later in Dubai_

Rafa facetimed Roger after he had accepted his request. The Swiss was a bit nervous about their reunion. It has been a while. Last time, it was rather chaotic.

When Roger took the call, Rafa greeted him with a huge smile. That breathtaking smile that never got old.

At first, no one said a word. The tension was too much between the two ex-lovers. Then Rafa took the lead and said a shy “hola!”.


	12. What goes around... comes around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well! I still can't believe that Rafa won an 11th title in RG. ♥ 
> 
> Normally, the fic should've ended within the next two chapters but his victory has inspired me to write a longer fiction.
> 
> Thanks for your kudos and comments! :) 
> 
> They are always well-appreciated!

“Hey!” Roger answered shyly. Rafa did not know how to interpret Roger’s reserve. Generally, he was more outgoing but it was as if something had changed within his soul. He did not know why but something was a bit off.

Roger looked healthy but he had those endless sad eyes. It must have been terrible to deal with what Rafa has done so far.

The hazel eyes of the Swiss got watered suddenly. He was always the type to lose his shit in front of everybody but this time he lost the control and cried eventually.

He needed to cry a river. Rafa was right. The separation has been painful for both of them but most likely for Roger. He had never seen the Swiss in such a state.

He was unrecognizable. This was not the first time that Roger has cried but not with such intensity.

Those cries were about everything: Nano, Rafa’s unrequited love, his self-esteem and so on.

In a span of 4 months, Roger’s confidence declined to reach a critical state. He got the feeling to be nothing but he must have forgotten that he was known as The Greatest Of All Time.

That man has been capable to reach the Everest Mount of the tennis through the years. He was worthy of everything but his lover, his nemesis Rafael Nadal made him feel the opposite.

There had been some evenings where Roger thought about… well it was much better not to say the word.

Dying of love should not be the right call.

But Roger’s situation needed to be explained.

He tried so hard to forget about Rafa but it was almost impossible. Everything reminded him of the Spaniard: food, scent, tennis, Switzerland etc. Even his own country. Why?

Rafa hated the cold and he did know that.

Rafa was the sweetest guy in their relationship and was very supportive of every Roger’s achievement. So could you all imagine that the day he won his 20th Grand Slam, the love of his life disappeared totally.

It was a new situation because he had never experienced Rafa’s absence.

Overnight, he was no longer there to smile at him, kiss and congratulate him.

During those long 5 months apart, Roger learned something valuable: before loving someone else. He should love himself first of all. All those insecurities have manifested because Rafa was no longer there to woo or _worship_ him. It was so easy to rely on somebody everyday.

Rafa has never complained about their relationship or what Roger could have said to make him ditch him in the end.

Yet, the night of his win in Melbourne Roger could not fathom Rafa’s silence.

*

The lack of proximity between them was astonishing, Roger crying and Rafa mumbling in English whatsoever. He knew he had messed up big time and needed to repair their broken relationship and most of all the trust that Rogi put in him.

From the get-go of their romance, Roger has always been there but Rafa played the asshole and just ran away without even saying goodbye.

What kind of boyfriend was he? Surely not the best one but he wanted to make amends because Roger was his life.

“I not know what I really wanna say but I’m sorry Rogi,” Rafa’s voice broke. The despair got the best out of him. The shame made him once again the need to flee somewhere else but he could not do this to Roger again.

“I thought that you lie to me in November. That you mean nothing about your promise”

Roger widened his eyes, “I beg your pardon Rafa! How could you believe such a thing?! Don’t you know me baby? I love you and I meant it for real that I want us to come out together”

“Roger you not understand how big it is for me and you. People think you perfect. You have family. A dream life. What I am? A little guy coming from…” Roger cut him off “Manacor that I love with all my heart”

Rafa smiled sadly. He knew how much Roger loved saying this phrase.

“I didn’t think that you want to come out. I think you lied to me or… how to say that? Manipulate me… and you’ll break with me in the end to protect your image”.

The disbelief in Roger’s whole being would have surprised anybody knowing the always well-mannered Swiss.

“So this is it? You broke up with me because you just didn’t trust my love and our future together”.

Rafa nodded and looked away.

“Yeah but I did it too because something happened with Nano last July”.

Roger wiped his tears and stared at Rafa “Who the hell is Nano?!”.


	13. Soulmate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with this fic. Well, I hope Rafa will make it tomorrow in the semifinals. But now let's focused on the QF. Let's pray for Roger as well and finally for a FEDAL final. :)

Roger was still expecting Rafa to answer but the younger man didn’t. Instead, he kept avoiding the Swiss stare. He looked like a little boy who had been caught right in the action.

“Rafa, who the hell is Nano?” demanded the Swiss with calm. Rafa tried to avoid his stare once again but failed and gave in eventually.

“Please Rafa, tell me who is it?” Roger’s voice broke and he attempted to hold onto Rafa’s hands, but stopped right away when their hands touched each other.

Roger sighed and gulped to wipe his teary eyes. Their situation was just annoying from beginning to end. When will the end come? He was so done with all the bullshit that they’ve told each other for the past few months. Go big or go home. This was how he’d see the exit out of this nonsense.

Rafa didn’t know any longer where to put himself except hiding. The shame came off too strong on his face. How to even dare speak to Roger? No exit. No way.

With a heavy sigh, Roger moved around the bedroom and said “ ‘k I guess you don’t wanna talk to me. I got it. Just save your saliva for that Nano then”. He didn’t wait for Rafa’s answer and just undressed in front of his ex or current boyfriend. People don’t even know what they were.

He didn’t even care about Rafa being there. The lack of intimacy would have bothered him before but now they were done pretending. Mostly Roger. He could go to hell, what would it change anyway, whether Rafa saw him naked or covered?

Totally naked, he grabbed his towel and went for a shower. He just needed to clear his mind and think about something else but Rafa. Was he mad at Rafa? Yes, of course. Did he want to know about Nano? Maybe not. But did he want to move on with Rafa? Yes, definitely.

Everybody knew how they were made for each other. But they might be the only ones who didn’t know this truth. Maybe a quick reminder would be enough for both of them to open their eyes eventually?

Love could be blind sometimes.

Anyway, Roger will turn 37 very soon and didn’t get time to behave childishly. He past that age. A grown-up man like him shouldn’t act that way, but assuming what he did and took the full responsibility. He had all the flaws in the world but the cowardice.

He didn’t turn into an umpteenth “good boy gone bad”. He had too much pride and respect for his own-self compared to Rafito, he guessed.

Men are dangerous, he should’ve known better.

He didn’t know how he would move on, but some things were sure. Today was the day to make it happen.

*

While Roger was rinsing his body, a strange and disturbing noise emanated from the bathroom door. He didn’t pay a lot of thoughts though. He must have forgotten to close it. No big deal. He wasn’t the type to flee whenever there was something strange happening. After all, he held onto his reputation of servant knight. But he heard how the door opened _itself_ step by step in the end _._ After all, it was alright. The only two people in the house were himself and Rafa. Who would come?

When he finished rinsing, a tight embrace held his body around the waist. The steam from the bathroom’s window left a false atmosphere of calm and peacefulness. The author of the embrace kissed the nape of his neck with all the softness in the world. Roger needed to be protected from all the bad and evil of these last few months. Roger, still, felt lost though. When was the last time Rafa touched him? Kissed him or even made love to him? When?

Just ask the Spaniard. Oh wait, he ran away the first time. Sure, he’d do it once again. Because this was the best he could do. Leaving Roger alone.

And now this. This hurtful kiss on Roger’s neck.

Roger tried so say anything but Rafa prevented him from. “No Rogi. I am the person who do the talk today” Rafa implored his ex. Roger tried to move on to face him, but Rafa held him even tighter. This was not the right moment to face him. Rafa needed to explain himself in that coward way… in the shower. Back-to-Chest.

Rafa tightened his embrace slow and in motion which made Roger more relaxed as well. Then, the Swiss, once in confidence, even posed down the back of his head on Rafa’s shoulders. Those broad, strong and sweaty shoulders.

 It did help to have the same height, don’t you think Roger?

Like a slow dance, Rafa returned Roger this time on his own terms. They were facing each other and for the first time in more than 5 months, Rafa saw Roger’s hazel eyes. Those peculiar eyes masking his hurt and sadness when the situation was convenient. Those dreamy eyes that Rafa has missed so much. Roger felt exposed from toes to head. What Rafa wanted at the end? Perhaps, a bit of his love. Was it a joke? After everything, he did to Roger? Some people definitely lacked pride.

The least to say, Roger didn’t expect such a turn of events. Rafa begging for proximity and his love. Since when? Since today.

*

“Hey… Rogi!” Rafa whispered. He didn’t want to trigger Roger’s emotion. He has already caused him too much damage. Being cautious, Rafa didn’t know whether he was allowed to do it but he moved his face closer to Roger’s. Breathing in sync. Boy, you got Rafa’s heartbeat.

Roger sensed how badly Rafa’s heart was racing through his chest. Rafa always did that whenever he was tensed or closed to Roger. Which one was the right answer today? If there was still love left in Rafa’s heart.

At Rafa’s biggest surprise, Roger was the one who moved closer his face this time looking down until their foreheads touch each other. Roger breathed in and out then focused his eyes on Rafa’s lips, and moved up to his amber eyes.

“Raf… Please.” Roger blurted out. The Swiss took all his courage to face Rafa right in the eyes. “Please Rafa… Tell me you love me”.

And Rafa turned Roger’s face slightly aside and sealed their love with a light peck on Roger’s lips. Once again, Rafa cared too much for Roger and didn’t want to trigger any bad memories like the ones where he had left Roger behind after his victory in Melbourne.

After this small attempt from Rafa, this was now Roger who took his lover’s face: adding the longing, the lost time, all the cries, the tears. Inking their love on each other’s body, he just placed the sweetest kiss as a love anthem meaning they still had a future together.

*

After the kiss, Roger smiled to Rafa. “Hey!” And removed Rafa’s hair behind his head. “Hola!” Roger smirked and pinched his own lips “Hola baby!”.

Rafa couldn’t believe his Rogi was still here when he forgot about him a few months ago.

It wasn’t a legend, Roger was the sweetest guy ever, always there for everybody and his fans.

When they’d finally stopped kissing again. Roger kept smiling at him and encouraged Rafa to speak out “Babe, I promise I won’t interrupt you, get mad or harm you” he reassured his boyfriend.

Rafa, moved to tears, thought he didn’t deserve such a gent. Yes, Roger Federer was the nicest guy ever that he has known so far in his life. What was he even thinking with Nano?

He was definitely so stupid, he swore.

Once, put together, Rafa managed to explain what really happened for several minutes the last few months and the incident with Nano last year.

*

They were on the bed, side by side, enjoying their rekindling romance: giggling, making fun of each other, smiling, doing cute things.

With all the joy coming and surrounding the two lovers, Roger hasn’t forgotten to make his point though.

“Raf promise me that you will never do such a thing to me again. Otherwise, I won’t survive next time”. He definitely meant it with insistence and placed a chaste kiss on Rafa’s hand. “Never do that to me again baby”.

“Si! Rogi. I’m sorry. Forgive me…” Rafa said, the teary eyes. It broke Roger’s heart to see his boyfriend so vulnerable, “Raf don’t cry… It’s ok. We’ll be ok. You know why?” He tried to comfort him by hugging even more tightly. Rafa, intrigued, raised his eyebrow “No Rogi” “Because we know now why we almost broke up and that is the most beautiful thing ever as sad it is” And he couldn’t help adding another kiss on Rafa’s lips.

After all those make out sessions, Roger a bit cocky, showed off his needs.

“Well I guess it might be time for us to take a picture “as friends” and show off our beautiful “friendship” to everybody including Nano on Twitter” Roger suggested while biting Rafa’s lower lip and added another peck.

Rafa, enamoured, just confirmed it with a nod.

“Aw… I love you so much Rafael Nadal” Roger concluded.

Stay tuned.


End file.
